In Which Rose Makes Some Predictions

Regular season

AL West
The Angels have the strongest lineup, true. I just can't bring myself to pick them. Sorry, it's that whole "Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim" thing. Just... no. Instead, I'm picking the A's. Any team that has the moxie to take the field in those uniforms has what it takes to win. Plus, if the A's win it all, then I might get to try on a World Series ring. Hey, it makes as much sense as picking the Rangers, Leem.

The Seattle Mariners will continue to be cute when they try.

AL East
Of course it's going to come down to the Red Sox and the Yankees. One will win, and the other will get the wild card slot. Seriously, why do any of the other teams bother pretending to play?

AL Central
I know that you can't really go off of what happens in spring training, but the White Sox are taking such a beating that I just can't pick them to win this one. Cleveland pretty much takes it by default.

AL Wild Card
See "AL Central" above.

NL East
True to form, the Florida Marlins have followed a reasonably successful season by dismantling the team and selling it for parts. Yeah, I don't get it either. Maybe the thought is that having one really good season every seven years or so brings in more money than cultivating an audience.

The New York Mets have a better shot than in recent years simply because they've replaced Mike Piazza with a catcher who can actually throw out would-be stealers at second base. Paul Lo Duca is a former Dodger who fell victim to a Moneyball-inspired trade. He's not the flashiest player out there, but he has -- you will forgive the phrase -- the hustle.

The winner? The Atlanta Braves. Haven't you been paying attention? It doesn't matter who does well for which team. The NL East has been on Braves-take-the-division autopilot for well over a decade, and I don't see any signs that anyone will be waking up any time soon.

NL Central
This one will probably come down to St. Louis and Houston, with the St. Louis Cardinals edging out Houston, because pitching can only take you so far.

NL West
Okay, so I'd probably pick the Dodgers regardless, because I'm all mushy like that -- but, see, I think they actually have a shot this year. First of all, they don't have much competition: The Rockies suck; the Padres are a .500 team; the Diamondbacks will either be dreadful or untouchable; and the Giants are Barry Bonds, which is not a good thing to be right now. But here's the important thing: Grady Little has declared that in the hour before a game, if a clubhouse television is on, then it will be showing tapes of the opposing team. And since his other rules stipulate that there will be no music over the speakers, and no playing of the cards or dominoes, the players will have no choice but to run out to the field knowing what they're up against.

NL Wild Card
Houston. Unless they win their division, in which case it will be the Cards. Unless Arizona has one of their on-years, in which case it's them. Oh, and unless Jim Tracy works a miracle in Pittsburgh. Heaven knows, he has the incentive.

Post-season

ALDS
Going on sheer momentum, Boston defeats Cleveland in four.

The Yankees defeat Oakland in five. Sorry. They'll also win in five if the Angels take the division, as they probably will, notwithstanding my pick. It won't really matter anyway.


NLDS
Obviously, Atlanta's not moving on. They never think that far ahead. Whoever's playing them wins in four games. The other team will likely be Houston. Again.

Dodgers play the Cards. In the ninth inning of the fifth game, with two outs, Dodgers leading 5-4, Eric Gagne stands on the mound. There are St. Louis runners at second and third. The cleanup hitter is coming to the plate. In the number five slot is some kid who dreams of making it above the Mendoza line.

The dugout phone rings. Grady Little calls for time and picks up the receiver.

"DON'T PITCH TO THE CLEANUP HITTER!!!"

"I wasn't planning to, Mr. Lasorda" Grady says, calmly. "You shouldn't have done it in 1985, either." He hangs up, and flashes the "walk" signal. Gagne rolls his eyes; it's not like anyone really needed to spell this out. He walks the cleanup hitter, strikes out the kid on three pitches, and -- at long last -- all is right in that little corner of the universe.

Sadly, Tommy Lasorda passes away the next day.

ALCS
Boston defeats the Yankees, because karma's a bitch, Steinbrenner.

NLCS
Houston wins in six. Tommy Lasorda is so indignant that he comes back to life and refuses to leave his office all winter.

World Series
Continuing the recent years' parade of unlikely winners, Houston knocks off Boston in six games.

Individual winners
I'm not touching these until the injury reports start coming in. I'll think about it once we see who's staying healthy and who's stepping up to fill in for injured teammates.

Unless some employment falls into my lap, it looks like I'll be free for opening day. Come on, L.A. people. Who's taking me to the game? I'll buy you a Dodger Dog.